Two Macaroni Penguins

The end

2009-04-07T15:00:00.005+01:00

Simon writes:

The heroism of this, my final post on our blog (necessarily long to reflect the importance of the occasion), is not to be underestimated: I'm having to type it on a French keyboard - nothing is in the right place, even if you're writing in French! Now don't misunderstand me, I'm no Francophobe. I love their language, I love their cuisine and I'll even admit to a grudging admiration of their pig-headed approach to international and industrial relations. But making me use the shift key just to type a bloody full stop is really pushing it!!!! Also, this internet cafe costs about £60,000 per hour (€3) so this sparkling copy does not come cheap...

Ahem. Sorry about that.

So we're in Lille, an underrated city if ever there was one (see pic)

There's good food and booze, a cinema that shows films in their original language and literally dozens of lingerie shops. What more could you possibly ask for?

We made our way here at great expense from Switzerland (you could fly to New York and back twice for the amount we spent on train tickets - some things in this world are just plain wrong). There we did little other than overdose on cheese. One glorious day of skiing (and cheese) with our friend Juhani will stick in the memory:

I'm sure you'll agree that those braces are really quite fetching.

We also spent time in the company of the Swiss side of my family, some of whom have already made encouraging noises about visiting us in Canada. Here's a picture of us with my aunt and cousin:

So that's you all about up to date really. I'm struggling to find a suitably elegiac tone on which to end it all so I'll take refuge in statistics. What with me being totally rubbish at statistics, I only have three:
1. We left London nearly 8 months ago;
2. Without flying, we have visited 23 countries (some more than once);
3. We stayed the night in 89 cities/towns/villages (this figure does not include night buses or trains).

Thanks for reading and commenting. We're back in London on Thursday night. I'll buy a beer for anybody who can tell me which country we didn't photograph the penguins in (is there anybody THAT bored?!!).

Back in Europe...

2009-03-28T16:05:00.005Z

Simon writes:

Back in Europe people are not as friendly (with some prominent exceptions described below), everything is frikkin expensive and the weather is generally miserable. But you can´t argue with clean trains, drinkable tap water and spaghetti bolognaise. Our progress from Istanbul to Switzerland (where we are currently enjoying the hospitality of the lovely Juhani and Karolina) has been swift.

For the record, and after repeated nagging from the penguins, here`s how we got here (Zurich) from there (Istanbul):

Train from Istanbul to Sofia, Bulgaria, where the penguins got addicted to gambling and Noelle got into the Easter spirit;

train from Sofia to Frankfurt via Belgrade train station, Serbia, where we avoided the attentions of bandits, donated drinks and pastries to a penniless young Aussie traveller with a bad cold and gave in to the penguins´ demands for yet another photo op;

train from Frankfurt to Dusseldorf, where we met the sublimely cute Maisie and the rest of Noelle´s cousin´s delightful family before they set off on their Easter hols.

Speaking of Easter, we´ll be back in the UK on April 9th, I´ll get to wear a different pair of trousers and you´ll all be spared my pathetic drivel on this blog for ever more. Hurray!

Istanbul

2009-03-20T13:26:00.005Z

Simon writes:

In order to survive a Turkish bus journey be sure to first arm yourself with:
a) A pair of teflon-coated testicles to withstand the searing heat of the engine, which is pumped directly into the groinal area if you happen to be sitting in a window seat near the back.
b) An ability to enjoy (or at least endure) the worst film ever made. Dubbed. In Turkish.
c) Flipping great wadges of cash. Coming from Iran, the cost of coach travel and the (admittedly pretty good) food at the rest stops was a bit of a shock.

Don´t say you haven´t been warned. I learned the hard way.

So we´re in Istanbul eating and boozing mostly. Most of the pictures I´ve taken here so far are rubbish so this little collection is from Cappadocia (crazy rock formations, underground cities, caves/churches carved out of the rocks etc):

Seeing as it appears this computer is refreshingly fast at uploading them, here are a few pics from Istanbul, including one of this paragon of cultural sensitivity visiting one of Islam´s holiest sites. The logo was even less subtle on the front, but I didn´t have the balls to photograph it (see above):

Tehran to Turkey

2009-03-17T11:09:00.004Z

Noelle writes:

After braving the streets of Tehran (apparently traffic is the most dangerous thing to foreigners in Iran), we took an overnight bus to the Turkish border where we were met with a snow storm.

We are now in Goreme, Cappadocia (thanks for the suggestion Belinda) where we will relax with some hiking for a few days before heading onto Istanbul.

This is basically the Tehran equivalent to the 401 in Toronto or M25 in London. Although there are supposed to be 4 lanes of traffic the Tehranians have decided to take it upon themselves to create 5 instead. We saw a few accidents but not nearly as many as you would think.

The road from the Turkish border crossing.

The view from our hotel room in Goreme.

The prettier side to Esfahan

2009-03-17T10:27:00.007Z

Noelle writes:

Although Simon is right that there is evidence of nose jobs all over Esfahan there is also a much prettier side to the city. Here are a few pics from some of the most beautiful mosques in the world.

Esfahan is also home to some very cool bazaars.

And bridges.

We also had lovely walk along the river bank where we met this family from Shiraz who asked us to join them for some tea. Tea turned into three hours of hand gesture communication and a shared picnic lunch with them.

Rhinoplastic fantastic!

2009-03-14T08:02:00.006Z

Simon writes:

Reading about the horrors of the economic slowdown from afar, I'm half expecting to return to the UK to find hordes of hollow-eyed people shuffling about trying to sell their own urine in exchange for wheelbarrows full of worthless cash.

I'm sure it's not that bad, but even if it was you'd hardly know it in Iran. Here the streets are crammed with people buying designer labels, mobile phones, stupid haircuts and, most astonishingly, nose jobs. Yup, ancient Persia has transformed itself into the rhinoplasty capital of the world. A sculpted schnozz is apparently cheaper and better here than anywhere else. The evidence, in the form of tell-tale facial bandages, is everywhere. Maybe this is what's keeping the economy afloat.

The penguins wanted the "procedures" of course, but as a foreigner it's impossible to get money out anywhere in Iran so we've been having to spend our cash carefully. I've so far been unable to upload a pic of me taking matters into my own hands. Prepare yourselves...

Success!

So we're in Tehran (a dump if ever there was one!) trying to sort out transport to Turkey. With any luck we should be back in Europe within about a week.

Esfahan

2009-03-09T15:42:00.010Z

Simon writes:

We're now in Esfahan (Iran) fighting off carpet salesmen and enjoying the bazaars, the cleanliness, the pretty architecture and the food. After three days in Yazd and one here, we're well rested, well-fed and well-watered. Lovely. Here are some pics:

A few days back it was all so different. The Quetta (Pakistan) to Yazd (Iran) section of our voyage confirms us as full-option travelling legends: a quite staggering amount of Iranian police-induced ballache sandwiched between two consecutive night buses PLUS a cheeky bit of runny poo thrown in to spice things up a bit.

If somebody in Pakistan tells you that the bus you're buying a ticket for is an "AC" bus, this is a lie. The air conditioning on Pakistan buses NEVER works and the music system ALWAYS does. From the very start this gives the washed out traveller two major irritants: blaring music all night (drivers are no respecters of anybody's wish to sleep) and, if you're travelling on unpaved roads, a never-ending mouthful of grit. Then there's the chain smoking of course. There's likely to be loads of pointless flashing lights as well.

Still, the Disco Bus from Quetta (as it shall henceforth be known) was a pretty trippy trip if you know what I mean. Pakistani trucks are cool - brightly lit reflective beacons crawling across the desert at night like huge phosphorescent bugs. At a pit stop for "lunch" at 11pm there was a coach with reclining seats and cup holders stuffed with live sheep. Odd.

Back on the Disco Bus, the driver decided to turn the volume up. This driver was a complete lunatic of course. On the parts of the road that were narrowly paved his tactic of playing chicken with the oncoming lorries to get them off the road added to the torment of my mangled bowels.

Six hours in Taftan ("hell on earth" according to the guidebook) waiting for the Iranian border to open wasn't much fun either. We spent a further six hours on the Iranian side waiting for our police escort. This included being shouted at by an immigration official when I asked him why only I was being finger-printed - "Ask your government! Ask your government!" Sheesh! Calm down, mate.

Here's a wee factoid for you: 85% of all the opiates in Europe plus the occasional knackered Westerner comes through Iran across the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. Drug dealers nab Westerners when they want compensation for a big bust apparently. For this reason we had to have an escort. After about three hours he turned up: an unarmed wee man in a green uniform who insisted we take an overpriced taxi to the nearest town. Ivo, a highly strung Czech fella who'd come from Quetta in the same bus as us, was having none of it. We convinced them to let us go in a minibus for half the price. Ten minutes out into the desert the bus stopped and we, plus some random punter, were told to get off. We began trudging up the road after our passports, the wee man and the random fella. A taxi pulled up and we all got in, including the random punter. Hmm. I sensed foul play, but we didn't really have a choice.

Four hours, two police stations, three police cars and countless clueless police/army officers later we were finally left alone at Zahedan bus station (only an hour's drive from the border) to continue our journey - another night bus, this time mercifully quiet and squeaky clean. The whole day was all very bewildering. Poor Ivo was livid - "We are guests in your country (pronounced as in "bounty") and this is how you treat us etc etc". I thought I was going to have to physically restrain him at one point. To be fair, the coppers were all very nice and presumably had no idea what we'd been through. One of them even spoke very good German, so he and I chatted away for a bit.

Ciao for now!

Oh, by the way, the beard's gone. I have of course got some comedy shaving pics but I'll be damned if I put them up here!

PS: Here are the penguins in Pakistan:

Quetta

2009-03-04T14:07:00.001Z

For all those concerned, we left Lahore before the attacks and are now in Quetta. The plan is to head to the border on the overnight bus tomorrow.

Lahore, Part Deux

2009-03-01T12:54:00.007Z

Simon writes:

In response to a pointed email from a fella known to me (and selected others) as Monty about our blog thinning out somewhat, here follows a long-winded account of our experiences of the past few days. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I give you the best tourist destination in the world: Lahore, Pakistan. Fact.

Although a depressingly large part of our popular "culture" endeavours to suggest that everybody should aspire to become famous (I'm thinking of vacuous travesties like Big Brother, Pop Idol etc), very few people are able to feel like a genuine celebrity, still less to feel truly important and justifiably valued by complete strangers. As a foreigner in Pakistan, things are different. The hospitality and kindness of the Pakistani people is truly humbling.

The other night we were taken to a music festival courtesy of the hostel we're staying at. The place was already packed out when we arrived - hundreds of people sitting cross-legged on mats in front of a huge platform occupied by VIPs garlanded with flowers. We were ushered to the front to hastily vacated sofas, given free mineral water, soft-drinks and food and treated to the most amazing evening of Pakistani culture.

There were fiery Imams giving sermons on how to be a good Muslim and then breaking into song, an extraordinary little child that sang Sufi tunes and worked the crowd like somebody ten times his age and the opportunity for us to crowd surf (we politely declined) to the sounds of a singer/rapper accompanied by a human beat box. The whole atmosphere was sweetened by rosewater sprayed over our heads at regular intervals. Later one of Pakistan's most celebrated Sufi bands showed up to wild applause, jostling crowds and TV cameras. Eat your heart our Simon Cowell.

The whole evening was hosted by this splendid individual:

With tears in his eyes he made a welcoming speech (later translated) for us about how, no matter where we came from and no matter what religion we were, we are all brothers and sisters, we all bleed red and we are all part of one humanity.

Apart from being genuinely touching, this speech made us feel slightly less tense about the random cross-eyed bloke with a machine gun who was guarding one of the VIPs very near to us and who seemed to see no issue with jostling and pushing the crowds with one arm while holding his loaded weapon in the other (well, this is Pakistan after all!). I do have a photo of him but damn it if this sodding machine won't upload it!

Almost every night we've been in Lahore there's been a cultural treat for us to enjoy (I'm aware that this phrase sounds proper sucky but I couldn't think of anything else). There have been concerts on the roof terrace in our hostel and a wild Sufi drumming night with sweat-drenched dancers working themselves into a trance. I have video evidence.

All the while, we've always felt welcome and never felt threatened. A wander round the old city was accompanied by phrases like "Hi foreigners, hi!", "We love your people!" and "You are our guests here." This last one came from a steward at the cricket ground who let us in for free to see the first day of the test match between Pakistan and Sri Lanka yesterday. There we met "Uncle Cricket", Pakistan's most famous cricket fan who showed us his international photo album and (of course) gave us some of his food. I also had the opportunity to explain the rules of the game to an agreeable American guy from Idaho called Chad. Again, I have pictures but no way of uploading them (the ones I have managed to upload were done yesterday).

In short, people: go to Lahore! Do it!

There is but one caveat to all the legendariness (and no, I don't care that this is not a real word) that is Pakistan: the possibility of the surprisingly sudden onset of a virulent and downright explosive stomach complaint that turns one's body from a blushing grape of joy into a shriveled raisin of despair in just a few short hours. Alas, such an eventuality has come to pass. I'm convalescing...

Next up it's Quetta, Balochistan and Iran (we have the visa and the safety assurances).

More pictures:

Lahore

2009-02-25T16:33:00.005Z

Simon writes:

We journeyed forth from the village of my former pedagogical employment with gladness in our hearts at the warm and friendly people we had met (and re-met) there. We then spent some time in the company of a bus conductor with an uncanny resemblance to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Actually, although he did blow his whistle unnecessarily fiercely, this comparison does him somewhat of a disservice: he was very nice to us about the storage of our oversize bags. Well. Done. Mate.

An Indian cooking course and a visit to the Dalai Lama's gaff were the main events of our brief stay in the backpacker-encrusted hangout of McLeodganj in Western Himachal Pradesh. His Holiness wasn't about unfortunately.

A couple more pointlessly noisy bus rides later and we arrived in Amritsar, the holy city of the Sikhs. These people have got this rather cool temple with a roof made out of pure gold in the middle of a lake.

The closing of the border between India and Pakistan is a spectator sport. Groups of frilly soldiers prance about like peacocks snorting, shouting and eyeballing each other while pumped-up patriots shout slogans and wave flags on either side of the gates. It's all rather bizarre, but very entertaining nonetheless.

We're now in Lahore awaiting tomorrow night's apparently legendary Sufi cultural feast that takes place every Thursday. I've got frikkin awesome pictures of the above but no way of uploading them at present. Curses!

Stepping back in time

2009-02-21T11:49:00.004Z

Noelle writes:

We've just finished spending several wonderful days back in the town where Simon taught English ten years ago. We wandered around Alampur, Sujanpur and Jangal visiting with people Simon had met when he was teaching, all of whom were very excited to see him again.

It was such a refreshing break from the main tourist towns where people are constantly asking you to join their tour, buy their goods or just give them money. Instead, everyone seemed really excited to see foreigners and we were asked to join people's tables for meals to talk and into their homes for chai and a chat. We even got in a few games of cricket with the locals. I bowled Simon for a golden duck!

We couldn't stay too long though as we ran out of toilet paper which is unavailable in the area (bottled water is also quite scarce).

Delhi/Agra/Delhi

2009-02-16T12:08:00.005Z

Simon writes:

Bombaby was cool. We were so busy sampling the food, the drink and the tailoring we didn't have much time to take photos.

Onwards: we're now based in Delhi and we did a long but worthwhile trip to Agra yesterday.

PHOTOS

This is me failing to come to terms with the eventual demise of my favourite t-shirt (11 years I've had this R.E.M.-themed bad boy. I had to face the fact that it had finally become too old and tatty, even for somebody as old and tatty as me):

This is Noelle looking angelic in one of her new Indian-style outfits:

This is a picture of a local boob with a quite ridiculous dress sense (he was actually combing his mullet when we first spotted him!):

This is a picture of an elephant walking along a busy Delhi overpass (nothing out of the ordinary apparently):

And finally, these are some pictures from Agra:

You'll notice that the last of these is of our web-footed friends. They were actually refused entry to the Taj Mahal complex. Ugly scenes ensued. We found them later drinking in a local rooftop bar plotting the downfall of the Indian government. Deep sigh.

Anyway, we've now got night bus tickets (we never seem to learn) to Sujanpur Tihra, which should be not far from a wee village containing a local school in which I had a brief spell as a teacher almost exactly ten years ago.

As far as we can tell there are no hotels in the area, I have nothing for anybody to remember me by (not even my R.E.M t-shirt) and I'm growing a beard that's making me look like a cross between the yeti and a crack addict. Fingers crossed somebody will recognise me and take us in...

Should be quite interesting to visit the place after so long. It probably hasn't changed as much as I have. I'm preparing to become quite emotional.

Mumbai

2009-02-11T08:03:00.005Z

Simon writes:

I always said there was more to travelling in India than the acquisition of stomach complaints. It seems I was right. I love being right, it's so invigorating! To whit, we've so far seen ritual dipping and burning in Varanasi (pictures as promised at the end of this post), visited two tailors in Mumbai so that we'll be appropriately clad in Pakistan and Iran and been entertained and guided by an uber friendly Mumbaiker - a friend of a friend from London.

We've also turned down numerous offers to appear in Bollywood movies - our agents just couldn't agree terms. Actually, that's a lie. We just decided that, although it could be interesting, our packed schedule will not give us time to hang around in North Mumbai for hours on end cheering inanely and repeatedly on request.

Our packed programme before heading off to Delhi on Friday will include a visit to the parents of our London-based Mumbai saviour (Eklavya, if you're reading this, you're a star!), a big night out Mumbai stylie and a trip to Elephanta island (caves, temples, peacefulness etc).

PS: Beard update - I look like a tramp.

We made it to India!

2009-02-06T10:15:00.003Z

Noelle writes:

We made it here by train and are now in Varanasi. The train ride to Varanasi was interesting to say the least. We had many people wanting to sit next to us and hear about where we're from and how they can get a working visa for England. One guy even wanted Simon to give him advice on how he should expand his computer business. Simon had a hard time trying to convince him that he doesn't know about the computer business. When I asked the same guy about his family and how many children he had he responded with "I have two children and one girl". Gives an interesting insight into how important women are here. He also wanted to discuss porn with Simon and find out if he had any good movies or photos of women.

Here in Varanasi we are enjoying the roof top restaurants and strolling by the Ganges. Our guesthouse is right near where they perform the rituals of dipping dead bodies in Ganges and then cremating them on the banks.

This morning we also had a good standoff with the monkeys outside our room. They kept coming up to the glass and baring their teeth and opening their mouths really wide against the window. So I attempted to do the same but trying to look scarier. Not such a good idea as the monkey then jumped onto the window with all fours. So glad that there is a barrier between us and them.

We're off to Bombay tomorrow. So excited!!

Photos to follow when we're in a better internet cafe...

As promised (see previous post)

2009-02-02T06:43:00.001Z

Kathmandu

2009-02-01T09:21:00.004Z

Friends, Romans, Countrymen; lend me your beards! Lest you think I jest, I mean this quite seriously. We're going to Pakistan and I've been advised that a full beard goes down very well with the locals, particularly if you're the kind of person who's not overly keen on getting kidnapped/shot. Here's my effort so far:

Hmm. I flatter myself to think I have an array of talents, but beard-growing doesn't appear to be one of them.

And so, seemlessly, to our big news: we are going to attempt to get back to Europe overland via Pakistan, Iran and Turkey. There are three principle reasons why we're doing this:
1. The penguins forced us into it (I've got the post-traumatic stress disorder to prove it)
2. All that stuff about kidnapping and shooting was, in fact, in jest (hahaa, the double bluff!). Everybody we've spoken to has said that the Pakistanis are the most hospitable and kind people they've ever met and it should be an amazing country to visit for this and many other reasons.
3. I reckon getting all the way there and all the way back again overland would feel like a real achievement.

The sticking point appears to be getting from the safe haven of Lahore across the potentially dangerous Western half of Pakistan and into Iran. The main route is not all that far from the Afghanistan border, where things can get a bit ropey. Still, we've got a get-out clause if the authorities deem it too dangerous for four souls (two human, two penguin) to travel from Quetta to Taftan, even with an armed escort (routinely provided gratis by the Pakistan government): we'll go South to Karachi and, horror of horrors, board a plane to Tehran or Istanbul.

So, other than mulling over all of that and filling out mountains of infuriating paperwork to get the visas sorted out (should be all done in the next couple of days), we've just been hanging around in Kathmandu really. Not much to report. Oh, the penguins did get stolen briefly by a difficult child who for some reason took a liking to them. I know, beats me too! Here are some pictures, with one of the penguins attempting to break into the Pakistani embassy to follow in due course:

Tibet to Nepal

2009-01-26T06:02:00.006Z

Simon writes:

Yesterday we entered Nepal, our sixteenth country, via two roadblock-based protests against uninvestigated deaths (delay: 4 hours). We've come half way across the world with (among other things) two jars of nutella, two jars of peanut butter, 3 sleeping sheets, a headlamp, a motion-powered torch, a mosquito net, a vast and largely untouched store of medical supplies and two toy penguins.

So now, with our bloody-minded antipathy to air travel still just about in tact, we're thinking about how to get back again. But before we get into that particular minefield (perhaps quite literally!), here's some other stuff.

You're about to read a list of 10 things I/we did in Tibet. Yes, I realise I've used this format before but we've been on the road for five and a half months and, at this stage, originality is for greater men than I.

1. Gave painkillers to a monk with a sore throat.
2. Discovered I have electric long johns(static sparks literally flew at night!).
3. Drank "Jolly Shandy" and realised I'm going to end up with a bunch of rubbish postcards cos there's only ever a couple decent ones in each set you buy.
4. Got a Tibetan lesson from a young monk/local jester (see pic).

This fella was a legend. If he wasn't a monk he'd be an international superstar. He spoke good Chinese and with my very bad Chinese and his joyous gesticulations we were able to understand each other. Topics discussed over fried potatoes and yak butter tea (I didn't actually have any that time cos I'd tried it before and it's rank) included: the Middle East, Barack Obama (he was a fan) and the Chinese (he wasn't a fan).
5. Met a monk in Shigatse called Friday (Basang in Tibetan) who said that China is a cage for people like him. Very sad.
6. Played frisbee at Everest base camp with an intrepid/crazy Canadian who was wondering round Tibet without a permit or a guide. He said he thought he was going to die a couple nights before when he was sleeping out in the open. Rather you than me mate. Still, an amazing individual with some incredible travel stories. Here are some pics from that day:

7. Promised to pass on a letter from a grateful Tibetan guide/shepherd to an old English lady (if I can find her) who'd looked after him while he'd been in exile in India.
8. Ate traditional Tibetan village food: mutton with tsampa (barley grain). For those of you familiar with coarse fishing, tsampa looks and (I imagine) tastes like ground bait. Filling, if nothing else...
9. Rode the highest railroad in the world to Lhasa and saw antelope, Tibetan wild asses (like horses, just in case there's any confusion) and wild yaks from the windows.
10. Met two friendly cyclists from Edinburgh, exchanged travel information and became enthused about getting home via Pakistan and Iran. More on that to follow no doubt.

Assorted Tibet pics:

Lhasa

2009-01-20T07:51:00.007Z

Noelle writes:

Sorry photos will have to follow as I can't seem to upload any at the moment.

Wow Lhasa is amazing! A lot of people thought we were crazy for wanting to go to Tibet in January but I have to say that I think it is probably the best time to be here in Lhasa. There are hardly any tourists, Western or Chinese, and the place is filled with Tibetan pilgrims from the countryside.

The following are some scenes from the Johang Temple in the centre of Lhasa.

Potala Palace

Drepung Monastery which is the largest monastery in Tibet and possibly the world. It recently housed a few thousand monks but after the protests of March 2008 it now houses a mere 500, the rest are in prison.

Since the protests last March the military is apparent all over the city (on every street corner) and in all of the tourist attractions. Even on the roof as seen in this photo.

We begin our overland adventure to the Nepal border tomorrow.

Hey Prescott!

2009-01-15T12:53:00.005Z

Simon writes:

I have two points of interest to report to you, dear readers:

1. We languished in Chengdu for three days and failed to get any form of timely transport out of there other than a standing ticket for a 24-hour train ride in third class (see previous post for the full horror of what that would have entailed). Then, a miracle of miracles occurred about one hour before the journey of slow death was to begin. As we were returning some tickets we had found out would not have got us to Xining in time to start the Tibet tour (the Chinese authorities insist on you being on a tour for Tibet these days) we asked in desperation if there were any sleeper ticket returns and came up trumps! Cue wild, lottery-style-winning celebrations in the ticket hall, to the bemusement of several onlookers.

We're now in Xining and the ride on the highest railway in the world starts tonight. I'm practically weeing myself with excitement.

2. On a visit to Chengdu's panda breeding centre we came across an unlikely picture of former UK Deputy Prime Minister and national laughing stock John Prescott (see pic of pic).

I found myself wrestling with the question: which one most belongs in a zoo?
More pics of pandas for your perusal:

Tibetwards

2009-01-11T09:23:00.002Z

Simon writes:

As the over-sized pot noodle continued to repeat on me and the Smoke Yourself to Death Competition that is third class train travel in China entered its eight hour, I wondered why exactly we're putting ourselves through this. But I've just been looking back through some photos of Lijiang (see below) and, well, it kinda makes sense really.

Incidentally, smoking is banned in the carriages of all Chinese trains, but on our latest overnight non-sleeper schlep this rule was routinely and consistently ignored, as were bilingual notices instructing passengers not to throw heaps of rubbish out of the windows or expectorate balls of phlegm inside the carriage. All this, combined with the malodorous perfume of reconstituted meat products and the bolt-upright seating position rendered sleep impossible for yours truly.

As the Chinese take to the rails in their hundreds of millions for Chinese New Year (the madness has started early apparently), we may have to repeat the above process to get to Tibet, only this time for 24 hours! Calm blue sea, calm blue sea, calm blue sea, calm blue sea, calm blue sea, calm blue sea, calm blue sea, calm blue sea, calm blue sea, calm blue sea, calm blue sea, calm blue sea, calm blue sea...

Tiger Leaping Gorge will have to wait

2009-01-09T10:56:00.003Z

Noelle writes:

So our plan today was to take the bus north of Lijiang (where we are now) to the beginning of Tiger Leaping Gorge and start our trek along the gorge tomorrow. We were also going to book some train tickets to Chengdu and then onto Xining where we will be starting our trip into Tibet and onto Nepal.

However, all did not go according to plan.

We got to the bus station after an hour of searching and having people point in all different directions only to find out that they couldn't arrange train tickets for us (which is what we had been told by our hostel). So instead of taking our chances on getting tickets last minute along with the half billion other people expected to travel this Chinese New Year we decided to leave Tiger Leaping Gorge until our next trip to China.

And to top off our travel woes we decided to spend our free afternoon cycling out to a lovely village outside of Lijiang. Problem was Simon got a flat halfway there so instead we found a nearby university bar to drink away our sorrows.

Next stop Chengdu hopefully if we can get train tickets.

Fun on the bus

2009-01-07T14:48:00.003Z

Simon writes:

On the bus from Dali to Lijiang (Southwest China) we were subjected to a unique form of Chinese torture: a made-for-TV midget musical. At full volume. In Chinese. Apparently the Chinese find people with dwarfism funny. One of them had a mullet, but I don't think that was specifically intended to incite mirth. A bit distasteful really.

Still, when we got to Lijiang and I got lost looking for the hostel the town's citizens were unremittingly sweet in coming to my aid. Anyway, we're trying to organise permits for Tibet (fingers crossed) where it's a balmy -27C apparently. And you Europeans thought it was cold. Pah!

2009-01-05T06:01:00.004Z

Simon writes:

We're back in China and heading North. I've still not been able to replace my long johns and we're going to Tibet. Hmm.

Anyway, before I update you cheeky people on a most glorious trek we did in the North of Laos I want to go back; way back! (actually I don't; I just always wanted to write that). I think it's appropriate to give a special mention on this blog to the driver of a bus (11 hours to go about 100 yards) we took in Laos. He is accorded this rare accolade purely because of his surprisingly cultured music collection. Rather than the simpering, weepy Thai pop that blights most bus journeys in Southeast Asia - the kind of music that makes you so angry and frustrated you want to gnore your own arm off and beat somebody to death with it - this guy played tunes by Lionel Richie, UB40, Eric Clapton and Belinda Carlisle. Given that all bus music is played at eardrum-bursting volume, this came as a welcome relief from the usual schlock. Well done to you mate!

Right, onwards: we went on a three-day hill tribe trek to isolated villages only reachable by foot, met two lovely Belgians and a lovely German (bottom pic), got freaked out by a rat in our bed at night and drank a tribal chief's rice whiskey/motorbike fuel in return for some books we donated to the village kids. Pics below:

Luang Prabang

2008-12-29T12:12:00.002Z

Simon writes:

This is a wee Canadian:

This is a night market in Luang Prabang (Northern Laos), selling the wares of the local hill tribes:

This is the resulting bill:

1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

Teehee!

Vientiane, Laos

2008-12-24T12:45:00.003Z

Simon writes:

Not much time to update the blog. Busy eating. Don't see why we should miss out on the annual glut. Happy Christmas.

Khao Yai National Park

2008-12-18T05:58:00.004Z

Noelle writes:

We are now heading towards Laos where we will be spending Christmas and New Years. On our way we have stopped off at Khao Yai National Park which I've heard many mixed reviews about (some people have said they've gone and seen nothing). It's known for its abundance of wildlife, including tigers (now only 3 to 10 left), elephants, leopards, gibbons, hornbills, bears, you name it!

We had an amazing day on a small tour with a guide who could pick out snakes in the bushes from the truck we were driving in on the road. I have no idea how he did it.

Here are some of our picks including the great hornbill, whose wingspan measures up to 2 metres. We saw some of these in flight and it was truly awesome. The sound was quite spectacular as well.

Snakes:

Deer:

Waterfalls:

A great hornbill. There are loads of hornbill species in the park. This is the largest.

We saw lots of monkeys but unfortunately no gibbons so Simon had to improvise.

And of course the elepants. This first pic is just before this huge male started to charge our truck. Pretty frightening really.

The park at sunset.

Everything's political

2008-12-13T11:43:00.008Z

Simon writes:

I expect literally nobody has been wondering what the penguins have been getting up to in Thailand. I guess it was inevitable really: our flightless friends couldn't resist trying to take advantage of the fluid political situation in the land of smiles. But they soon found that there is no place in the country's evolving political spectrum for their particular brand of violent, neo-fascist penguinism.

Fed up with it all, they then decided to take to the sea and swim home to the Arctic (see pic below)

They soon found out that four months of bone-idle mooching in a backpack does nothing for anybody's fitness levels. They came waddling back in shame. As I knew they would. Little vermin.

But speaking of returning home, the world appears to be conspiring against our plans to do it "sans avion" unfortunately. Our budget doesn't quite stretch to paying pirate ransoms so it would appear taking a boat from Bombay up the Red Sea to Egypt is out and the train route through Pakistan and Iran is apparently now a hotspot for the laughably misnamed war on terror. People are so bloody inconsiderate! Honestly!

So this is my plan: a direct appeal to Roman Abramovich, the sandpaper-faced Russian money hoarder with a penchant for bikini models and relentlessly annoying football teams.

"Roman old buddy! I hate Chelsea more than short people with umbrellas but I know you read this blog and I know you love it, so how about you sling us one of your yachts for a few weeks so we can take it round the Cape and back to Blighty?"

I fail to see a flaw in this plan. Comments on the plan are unwelcome, unless they're welcoming of it.

PS I lost my long johns. Cock.

Long awaited entry

2008-12-12T12:45:00.007Z

Noelle writes:

Sorry for the lack of blog entries of late, we're been beaching it in the south of Thailand.

We are now on our fourth island, having bused it down to Krabi from Bangkok a couple of weeks ago where we caught a boat out to Ko Lanta. We spent four days swimming in the Andaman Sea, playing beach volleyball with a group of 18-20 year olds from Alberta, Canada and we even managed to get in a good deep sea fishing trip for Simon. Simon provided for us and brought in a tuna that we took to our trusty drinking venue to have barbequed for us that night.

Then we set off for Ko Ngai which is the most amazingly beautiful island. It has a handful of resorts and nothing else. Very peaceful and relaxing, so much so that we really didn't take our cameras out of their cases. The island itself has crystal clear waters with a sandy bottom and about 50m out there is a fantastic reef for snorkelling. So we basically spent our days sunnying on the beach and snorkelling on the reef with a one day kayaking trip around the island. Oh yeah, and more beach volleyball. We'll be trying out for the Canadian team when we return.

Ko Ngai was actually pretty amazing in terms of marine life as well. We saw a turtle on the reef and on our second to last day there were loads of fish mating in the shallow waters which soon contained millions of fish eggs everywhere, very cool.

Our next destination was Ko Samui where Simon had arranged for us to stay in a very swanky resort for my birthday. It was fabulous by the way and I was spoiled rotten.

We are now on Ko Tao and will be heading out on a snorkelling trip tomorrow. Ko Tao is a great place for diving but there is limited choice for Simon given we doesn't have his PADI certificate so we figured we'd check out the snorkelling first and then decide on the diving.

Bangkok

2008-11-28T04:11:00.004Z

Simon writes:

So we're in Thailand's capital feeling just a wee bit smug about having forsaken air travel (the protesters have taken over both airports now). I've also got some advice for all the hand-wringing farangs (Thai word for foreigners) that are clogging up the internet cafes here with anguished calls to airline companies: get yourself a pair of stuffed penguins and do the travel thing properly you sorry bunch of crusty, weedling, soap-shy throwbacks!

Sorry. That was hypocritical and uncalled for. I just couldn't resist it.

Anyway, unfurl your furrowed brows: there doesn't appear to be any worries for our safety here. Most Thais we've spoken to are exasperated and a bit embarrassed about what's going on and the city's mostly very peaceful. We're out of here to the islands (overland of course!) later anyway.

So in keeping with my plan to bring you a photograph of the penguins in every country we visit, please see pic from Cambodia below. As Noelle mentioned we went to Angkor Wat very early in the morning and of course it was impossible to get the lazy freeloaders out of bed. You'll have to settle for one of them doing what they do best:

Cambodia to Thailand

2008-11-25T14:36:00.002Z

Noelle writes:

As Simon mentioned earlier we visited the famous Angkor Wat along with Angkor Thom and numerous other temples in the area around Siem Reap. We ended up just going for a day as with our 5am start to see the sun rise over Angkor Wat and touring around in our tuk tuk for 8 hours we figured we were all templed out and ready to move onto Bangkok the following day. (Pics to follow.)

Unfortunately we didn't stay in Cambodia for very long, only 4 nights in the end. It was quite depressing at times, more so than Vietnam. The gap between rich and poor was much more apparent. In Vietnam we saw few cars, even in the major cities. It was mainly buses, trucks and motorbikes. In Cambodia there were a lot more cars on the road but then you also saw lots of families sleeping on the streets at night and on our bus trip through the countryside we saw a lot of livestock that was just skin and bones.

Bangkok is a completely different kettle of fish altogether. After the bumpy, non-paved roads of Cambodia we walked across the border (our easiest border crossing thus far) and hopped in our people carrier van and sped along the beautifully paved roads. It was probably the fastest we've travelled since China (no one in Vietnam or Cambodia goes very fast, mainly because the roads aren't good enough to do so). Coming into Bangkok felt like we were coming into Toronto. So many highways, lanes and so much traffic! The only difference was that you still saw children riding in the back of pickup trucks, 3 or 4 people to a motorbike scooting along the side of the highway and the occasional small child wandering through the stopped traffic trying to sell roses.

We even got to pass the riot police (still around after yesterday's mass demonstration). Half were standing attentive, the other half were napping or eating by the side of the road. So no worries about things kicking off anytime soon.

The long-awaited update

2008-11-22T06:57:00.008Z

Simon writes:

Right, we're now in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. It's frikkin hot, I need the lav and I want to go and see a palace at some point. For these reasons I'm going to try to make this update concise and pray to the God of geekery Bill Gates that I can get some pics uploaded before Christmas.

Vietnamese highlands:

So the 6-day jaunt on the back of a couple of blokes' motorbikes alluded to in the previous post was pretty special. The route took us from Hoi An up into the mountains and back down to Nha Trang on the coast. On the way we got to see the first-hand production of ceramics, coffee, tea, rubber, pepper, honey, silk, bricks, cinnamon, pineapples, rice paper and rice noodles. There were street food feasts for 50p, stunning waterfalls, uber friendly minority peoples and an elephant that walked into a lake with us on the back (all this stuff about elephants being all clever and that is clearly rubbish). Pictures for your perusal:

Mui Ne:

Tone and Mr T dropped us off in Nha Trang, which was rubbish, apart from a fun boozy boat trip we went on. Mui Ne on the other hand was a proper coastal paradise, as you can see:

While Noelle had a massage I went fishing with this bloke and caught a bunch of puffer fish. Not edible but kinda fun when they blow themselves up to scare the crap out of you - works a treat actually.

We had a brief stop in Saigon to get leered at by the ladyboys (Miss Saigon my arse!) and then we headed up the Mekong river into Cambodia.

In the Mekong:

The mosquitoes are the size of albatrosses, the border guards on both sides (Vietnam and Cambodia) make a tidy living in backhanders and the children are adorable. I played keepy uppy with this wee fella I came across when lost on a bike ride through a village. Enlarge the pic for a better view of the shuttle cock/hackey sack thingy that all the kids have here.

Next stop Anghkor Wat and then into Thailand.

Bye!

Mui Ne

2008-11-16T08:11:00.001Z

Noelle writes:

Sorry we've been neglecting the blog. We're just having too much fun to sit in internet cafes. In Mui Ne soaking up the much needed sun on the beach and by the pool.

Will write about our 6 day motorbike trip through the central highlands when it rains.

2008-11-11T13:33:00.003Z

Disco!

Hoi an

2008-11-06T08:25:00.004Z

Simon writes:

After a vomit-washed night bus from Hanoi, we arrived in the coastal town of Hoi An in Central Vietnam and our fortunes improved rapidly and dramatically. Noelle is in shopping heaven (there are about 500 tailors here able to making any piece of clothing you happen to have a picture of), the sun is shining (some of the time) and the penguins are enjoying the seafood and fraternising with the locals.

What's more, I appear to have transformed myself from being possibly the most weedling, miserable and energy-sapping shopping companion the world has ever seen to something of a style guru. It's not like I've begun wearing mascara, drinking latte or pouting inappropriately or anything; it's just that I've learned to vocalise when I like something or when I think it looks sh1t. Who'd have thought it could be so easy?! I'm even entertaining the possibility that Noelle actually agrees with me on this. Hope springs eternal...

In other news, we've taken to the roads on a motorbike (ooh er!). I would dearly love to be able to tell you that I tamed a 1000cc chopper, changed my name to Bone, dispensed with personal hygiene and got the word "DEATH" tattooed across my privates. Alas no, I'm nowhere near being a fully-fledged biker. However, I AM chalking up today's 100 kilometre day trip on a feisty little 125 with the mrs on the back as a victory. After all, I'm reliably informed that my little bro (Hi Oscar!) recently learned to ride a bicycle without stabilisers. An inspiring piece of news if ever there was one! Anything you can do buddy...

Still, you'll notice the news of our two-wheeled exploits comes after the proverbial fat lass has sung. This is partly to prevent parental jitters but also because when it comes to using the roads in Vietnam one does not push one's luck!

After staring for the past hour at a pop up box that is allegedly uploading photos I've come to the conclusion that this internet cafe is a walking talking joke workshop. Curses! Will provide pics (They. Are. Awesome.) as soon as.

The little things

2008-11-04T15:01:00.002Z

Noelle writes:

It's kind of funny. In both China and Vietnam you can buy anything your heart desires. For instance we are now in Hoi An, a small town with over 500 tailors eagerly awaiting to make you whatever you wish. The only thing we have had a problem buying (which hasn't been a problem of late, given the floods) is sunscreen (that's suncream for you Brits). We have only been able to find one type of sunscreen in both countries and the largest bottle comes in at 75ml. Most of the time it is sold with skin whitening cream.

For nations that are so obsessed with having pale skin (you can buy massive bottles of skin whitening cream everywhere) I can't understand why they wouldn't sell larger bottles or different varieties of sunscreen.

So anyone who is planning on heading to either of these countries in future BRING SUNSCREEN. Or if anyone who has travelled to Vietnam and knows where we can buy decent sized bottles of sunscreen please do tell.

Nam

2008-11-01T14:51:00.006Z

Simon writes:

Now you can get a taste of Hanoi for FREE! Yes, that's right folks! With a special one-off payment of just $0 plus 12 monthly instalments of $0 you can create that special Vietnam experience without having to leave the comfort of your own home!! This very special offer is just too good to miss and can be enjoyed in 5 quick and easy steps:

1 Stick all your money and everything that testifies to your official existence down your pants.
2 Dress yourself in a piece of plastic and a pair of flip flops.
3 Get into a tepid shower and put the water on FULL.
4 Remain there ALL DAY.
5 Repeat steps 1 to 4 ad nauseam.

This once in a lifetime offer is brought to you by an extremely pissed off Englishman holed up in Vietnam's washed out capital.

Joking aside, the amount of rain here does seem to be pretty exceptional from what we've heard. Here's some sobering news I found out this afternoon: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7703672.stm

Still, we have managed to do a few things here - sampling the local food has been an adventure. I had "Crap soup" for lunch today. See pic below if you don't believe me:

Funnily enough it tasted a bit like crab. Odd.

Here are some other pics for your perusal:

Two days in Yangshuou

2008-10-28T10:10:00.007Z

Simon writes:

Below is a brief description of what we got up to on two of the seven days we've been here. The other five have been uneventful because of either laziness or bad weather. Take it from me, this place is absolutely ballachingly beautful. In fact, you don't have to take it from me, just look at the photos below (by the way, if you double click on the pics they enlarge - what with me being a dribbling idiot when it comes to computer stuff, I only just found this out).

The photos above were taken on the first day of wonderment and joy, during which we hired mountain bikes, cycled up through the rice paddies by the Yulong river, took a ride on a bamboo raft (mostly very peaceful except for the bits where they threw you over waterfallls) with the bikes on the back and then went out on the razzmatazz in the evening.

The photos below are from the second day of wonderment and joy, during which we took a bus out to a far-flung village with the aim of doing a planned hike of four hours back down the Li River. We got lost in the mountains almost immediately and ended up following the directions of local villagers over goat paths and along deserted tracks towards the only town we knew how to pronounce. After nearly six hours it became clear we were still a long way off. We were concerned, but not wetting ourselves with panic or anything. Anyway, a random bloke with a motorbike (one of the first motorised vehicles we'd seen for many an hour) took pity on us (when we offered him a couple quid, anyway) and took us the rest of the way.

The evening was spent at the light show, directed by the fella who did the opening ceremony for the Olympics - punters punting on punts on the water with lights and music and stuff. Very impressive. The pic doesn't quite do it justice I'm afraid.

This last pic I took today and I think it's quite nice.

Bye!

Yangshuo

2008-10-24T15:04:00.006+01:00

Simon writes:

Here's some photos of Shanghai:

We're now in Yangshuou (an uneventful overnight train away), but you'll have to read through this drivel first before I get you fully up to speed: Shanghai was kinda hot and we didn't really get under its skin. I did manage to tame a gargantuan bowl of Shanghai dumplings right after we'd had a big lunch in a different restaurant (we couldn't find the dumpling place at first). We were leaving town that day so it had to be done. Other than that I ruined the mood by comparing some ancient and beautiful chinese rockeries to a garden centre in Croydon.

So we're now in Yangshuou, probably our last stop before Nam (mainly because we can't be arsed to go anywhere else). It's backpackertastic (oh God, somebody please put me out of my misery)! There's Pizza and fried breakfast and pasty people with unacceptable facial hair and pony tails everywhere. Still, the Western food has allowed me to have some lovely dumps. It seems I've been saving them up.

The scenery is supposed to be fantastic - rivers and mountains and rice paddies etc. We've hardly seen any of it because it started pissing down almost as soon as we got here. Instead we've been wandering forlornly round the tat shops refusing to buy stuff every 3 seconds.

We went on a cookery course, which was really good fun. Any of you lucky/unlucky enough to be invited to eat with us in the future will be ruthlessly experimented on. Here's Noelle modelling the egg dumplings, which were particularly good:

Here's me with a big knife:

In other news I also ate "pijieu yu", which is beer fish from the local river. Carp I think. Normally I would be appalled, but it was actually pretty good. Bye!

Train to Shanghai

2008-10-20T04:15:00.002+01:00

Noelle writes:

After catching the bus to Changsha to see if we could get a train to Shanghai (all the sleepers were taken from Zhangjiajie) we managed to get a hard sleeper. A hard sleeper is not actually that hard you just don't get as many luxuries as you do with soft sleepers. For instance the bunks are threes rather than twos so less space, it is open plan so no doors, and the lights go out at 10pm whether you like it or not.

We were happy to take the hard sleeper but we were slightly concerned about the safety of our bags given that there were no doors. The amusing thing was that we ended up playing cards with the group in our area and the adjoining area and later found out that they were all police officers on their way to Shanghai for some communication training. Could we BE any safer?!

They taught us a great card game which basically translates to Run Faster. It should leave us in good stead for future train journeys as this game is played by all Chinese and we have seen it many times on trains but couldn't figure out the rules. Also they don't play cards just for fun. There must either be small wagers involved or something the losers have to do. In our case the losers had to do pushups. My arms are killing me!

Will report more once our laundry is done and we are able to enjoy the sights.

Zhangjiajie nature reserve

2008-10-20T04:13:00.010+01:00

Simon writes:

This stuff actually happened before the last post so it's not exactly in the right order. But these things happen when you're travelling, people - deal with it!

Normally the pose on view in this first pic would qualify you as a full-option, card-carrying, cast iron moron. But in China everybody does it and it means: "Yay, we're having a great time. Isn't everything just, like, totally awesome lol lol?!!!" or something equally fatuous. Noelle is in fact just trying to blend in.

Clearly the scenery on offer was pretty cool, but we ended up in a Chinese tour group on this one and kept getting roped into paying for things we hadn't expected and were rubbish. The tour leader didn't speak any English, although we'd paid for an English speaker (righteous indignation all round). On top of that he was a total sheister. Still, the people on the tour were pleasant enough and the nature reserve was incredible.

Update (of sorts)

2008-10-19T08:50:00.004+01:00

Simon writes:

We're in Changsha (for about 5 hours) at the moment after having successfully managed to negotiate sleeper tickets to Shanghai (mostly in Mandarin) in a ridiculously crowded and chaotic train station - I rule! Since the last post we've seen some clay men , zoomed up the yangtze in a hydrofoil and been to a quite incredible nature reserve with crazy rock formations. Pictures to follow (cba at present).

Below is some random blather about Chinese people that I just thought up. Read it if you can be bothered. Love and hugs - S

Things Chinese people appear to be strangely averse to: the number 4; brakes; silence; privacy; decent breakfast. Things Chinese people appear to love: foreigners; work (even if it's pointless); phlegm; wearing colour-coded baseball caps as part of billion-strong tour groups.

Beijing - Pingyao - Xi'an

2008-10-12T12:56:00.010+01:00

Simon writes:

Right. We've got a bundle of stuff for you people to catch up on, so they'll be no fannying about with gimmics, ridiculous patter about penguins or news of our bowel movements. It's pure, unadulterated traveller boilerplate from here on in.

In Beijing, we partied with these people;

got followed around by this fella (hooray, it's Jamo Samo - woohoo!);

and looked at these things:

We then got on an overnight train to Pingyao a day later than planned. There were no sleeper compartments left so we went third class and spent the night on a small bench nestled in other peoples' armpits. All a bit ropey really. Still, this means we are now officially quadruple hard traveller types.

Pingyao is nothing short of enchanting. It's basically what much of Beijing would probably now look like if they hadn't wrecking-balled it all and built a bunch of soul-sapping skyscrapers. There are no cars in Pingyao and all the buildings look like they would have done centuries ago. There's also a city wall that you can walk all the way round. Lovely lovely lovely!

A couple of things to note: people in Pingyao are very much into their sweetcorn;

you can cycle out to an amazing temple complex and see sculptures (and sculptors!) that are over a thousand years old

Next, we got an extremely efficient and comfortable bus to Xi'an (terracotta warriors will be conquered tomorrow). Today, I've managed to copy all my photos onto cds and Noelle has taken her trousers off in the street so they could be professionally shortened (teehee!).

Xi'an has an interesting Muslim quarter as well as a full-option city wall, which we biked round on a tandem.

Bye!

S

PS A big hello to all you vegetarians out there with a picture of what we had for lunch:

Yummy!

Penguins abscond...

2008-10-05T08:37:00.005+01:00

Simon writes:

I have grim news to report: the penguins, evidently aggrieved at being shot at (see previous post) absconded in Mongolia! We found them again in China on the Great Wall, making their way to Beijing (see pic).

They informed us (somewhat tersely I might add!) that they had decided to invade China from the North, Ghengis Khan stylie, and that they didn't require our assistance.

We left them to their own devices and got involved with Beijing. So far we've: eaten in quite literally the best Chinese restaurant in the world (the duck with pancakes was just too good to describe) and met the manager; seen some of the standard tourist sights (Forbidden City etc); been out on the rampage at night; been shopping (well, Noelle has!); been to a night market and observed people eating starfish and sheeps willy; failed to do laundry.

Pictures for your perusal:

In other news, we both love Beijing and I've had the runs. It was going to happen sooner or later I guess...

Next stop Pinyao by overnight "hard seat" (3rd class) train. It's national holiday so there's no sleepers available and it's going to be ramned. Yikes!

10 things I did in Mongolia

2008-10-05T08:18:00.008+01:00

Simon writes:

1. Met a nomadic family in their ger and consumed milk products
2. Wrestled (almost successfully!) a diminutive but surprisingly strong Mongolian
3. Unwisely climbed solo up a mountain side and took photos from the top
4. Watched Budhist monks chanting in a spectacularly colourful temple
5. Fired arrows at the penguins from a Mongolian bow made out of cow horns
6. Missed repeatedly
7. Played two hours of basketball with a dozen 19 year-old students and virtually collapsed with exhaustion afterwards
8. Watched BBC World News in a fancy hotel room
9. Narrowly avoided being run over by Ulaanbaatar's crazy drivers
10. Fell in love with a yak. Ovbviously.

Readers may have guessed that the Baikal fishing idea fell through. Curses! I went swimming in the lake instead and it was frikkin Baltic!

Photos below of much of the above...

Ger camp

2008-10-01T09:10:00.003+01:00

Noelle writes:

We had a lovely day yesterday. We headed out to the national park where we spent the night in a ger and paid a visit to a nomad family. The scenery was beautiful and very unlike what I imagined Mongolia to be like. All the trees had turned a lovely shade of yellow and we took a two hour hike out to a monastery in the middle of nowhere.

Simon got to see lots of yaks so he was very happy, though he didn't end up purchasing one, thank goodness.

Simon writes:

We also had the opportunity to do some archery. The penguins were being lippy so I added them to the archery target. Even so, they evaded the arrows of even the pro Mongolian fella we had with us. Also unfortunately, we don't appear to be able to upload photos in this place. They will follow when technology permits...

Ulaan Baatar

2008-10-01T09:00:00.004+01:00

Noelle writes:

I know I keep harping on about transportation but Mongolia's is the best. And by the best I mean worst!

It is faster to walk most places than drive in UB as the traffic jams are atrocious! That being said your life is put at considerable risk by walking given that drivers don't pay any attention to traffic lights.

Our first night here our group was at the corner of a very busy intersection and we waited patiently for the green man light to come on. It did and we started to cross the road. BIG MISTAKE! We found out quickly that cars don't care what colour light they have they will go if they can. We slowly made our way across the street with a few of our party nearly ending up beneath the cars. The odd thing was, I looked back across the street and saw a traffic cop standing on the very same corner we had been on and he was doing absolutely NOTHING!

My strategy is to make sure I have a Mongolian between me and the traffic when crossing the street. I know that sounds bad but I figure they know what they're doing and if they don't they'll be a good buffer for me when the car decides not to stop.

Our guide here has told us that there are huge numbers of accidents and fatalities every year but it doesn't change the way people drive.

Another funny thing was that on our drive out to the ger camp we had to pay a road toll for one of the worst roads I have ever been on. It reminded me of the rocky boat trip out to the Yasawas in Fiji. Mom, you would have been very sick!

Instructions for a successful Russian banya

2008-10-01T08:56:00.002+01:00

Simon writes:

Here follows a description of the banya we got involved with on the shores of Lake Baikal, Siberia. Instructions for a successful banya come in the form of Nicolai (the owner), an electric little Siberian and total legend who is able to make himself understood in any language by gesticulating wildly and joyfully. Please note, if you ever have a Russian banya you may be required to beat a naked man with branches or demand that a naked man beats you with branches. Roll with it.

So pardon my verbosity, but here goes:

Enter into a low-ceilinged room and change on the left. Put on one of the felt hats on the table at the end of the room and go through the washroom into the steam room. Sit on the highest bench (at Nicolai's insistence) and begin roasting for 5/10 minutes/as long as you can bear it (the temperature is 100 degrees celcius).

Leave the steam room gasping for breath and pouring with sweat. Rest in the rest room for a couple of minutes and prepare yourself for a beating. Put your hat back on and re-enter the steam room where Nicolai, clad in microscopic bathing drawers (or occasionally au naturel), is waiting for you. Bake for a little while longer and then lie on your front on the top shelf. Nicolai then takes the branches (birch or juniper), puts them in the stove from the bucket of water in which they've been soaking and proceeds to whack you with them up and down the back, arse and back of the legs. The sensation is painful but pleasurable. Two sides of the same coin really. Dostoevsky would have loved it and no doubt derived inspiration from it. When you've been thoroughly thrashed you are then given the branches for a bit of self abuse on your front.

Next, leave the banya at at trot, not forgetting to discard your hat on the way. Run outside and jump into the freezing plunge pool. Begin tingling with pleasure all over. Get out and hang around outside for a few minutes to recover. Repeat the whole process as required.

Finally, brace yourself against the wall in the wash room to be exfoliated with what you have been assured is a scrubbing sponge. This is a vicious lie. In fact it's some form of wire pot scourer. Nicolai fills it with soap and water and proceeds to rub you down. Hard. Calling this part pleasurable would be pushing it, but persevere, it all comes good in the end (again, you're given the scourer to do your front).

Next, rinse off thoroughly with cold water. Head into the house for a cold beer and a dinner of freshly-smoked Baikal omul and feel genuinely reborn. Sleep like a baby.

News from the exiles...

2008-09-25T11:47:00.003+01:00

Simon writes:

We're in Irkutsk (Siberia), a town that the Lonely Planet describes as "seedy". Well sod you Lonely Planet! I think it's intensely agreable actually. Here are a couple of first impressions:

We got here by train, obviously. It took fully 3 whole days and 4 nights from Moscow and we're still only half way across Russia! Rather large really. On the train we encountered some lovely people, who took a great interest in the penguins and spoke English and even a bit of Mandarin! Sasha and Katia (see pic) - salutations to you both!

We also encountered a horde of drunken Russian army Lieutenants and a woman of quite staggering vindictiveness. Each carriage on trans siberian trains has a provodnitsa or attendant, who checks tickets when you get on, cleans the toilets and carriages, dispenses bedding etc. Ours was variously known as the Ayatollah, the Poinsonous Witch, the Moodswing Madam etc. Doing almost anything untoward (going to the toilet at the wrong time, opening the window, standing on the carpet at the wrong time etc) would inspire her to deliver a volley of abuse in Russian, even though she must have known by the end of 4 bleeding days that we had no idea what she was saying! I don't have a picture I'm afraid. I probably would not have lived to be writing these words had I attempted to take one. To be fair to her, she did keep the toilets in a useable state and brightened up when we offered her cake. One army guy we spoke to reckoned she was an alcoholic. Who knows...

Anywho, we're off to lake Baikal tomorrow and I hope to bring you lucky people more pictures of fish in due course! Then it's on to Mongolia and then China. Bye for now chums!

Oh, by the way, there's now a pic of the penguins in Red Square up on my last post...

Notes from Russia

2008-09-20T13:09:00.005+01:00

Noelle writes:

1. I love Ladas! They are so cool. In the words of Joy Turner (My Name is Earl): I wonnit! So our backup plan for coming home is now to buy a Lada, drive to the northeast tip of Russia, catch a boat to Alaska and drive the Lada to Vancouver.

2. St. Petersburg has over 200 universities.

3. You are not allowed to throw toilet paper down the loo anywhere in Russia so most washrooms stink from the smell of the paper in the baskets next to the toilets.

4. Russian drivers are crazy! As crazy as the Mexicans my family may ask. I'd say they are nearly on par.

5. The food here is really good! Loads of pancakes (that's crepes for the North American readers) and great soups.

6. The Moscow metro has more commuters each day than both London and New York combined. And they are beautiful stations (see pics).

7. Russians love ice cream. It doesn't matter what the temperature, you can find ice cream kiosks everywhere.

Moscow

2008-09-20T12:49:00.004+01:00

Simon writes:

We're in Moscow (a couple hours late because some numbnuts, who shall be nameless, had to go back to Suzdal where he forgot his money belt!). Russians are properly into their weddings by the way - bridal parties tour the main historic sites for photo ops, terrorising innocent tourists with their rose petals and their 1980s clothing. Shiny suits everywhere - eww!

The penguins were out on parole in Red Square (pic to follow). Being committed fascists, they weren't very impressed with all the Communist stuff and the glorification of Lenin that still goes on here. The cult of personality is alive and well it seems...

St. Petersburg

2008-09-17T12:51:00.004+01:00

Noelle writes:

Wow, St. Petersburg is quite something! The buildings here are amazing and so colourful. Been to the Hermitage this morning and tonight we leave with our tour group for Suzdal, near Moscow.

It's freezing here so we had to go to the market yesterday to buy ourselves more clothes (including my new hat).

Situation resolved

2008-09-17T12:23:00.002+01:00

Simon writes:

It wasn't pretty, but the hostage situation has been resolved. The police had to get involved and everything. Fortunately the description of the perps was unique enough for the investigation to be a simple matter for even the most dim-witted of coppers.

The penguins are now in a secure correctional facility / gulag (the bottom of my laundry bag with my dirty socks) until such time as they can prove they are no longer a danger to themselves or society at large. Honestly, bloody penguins! We should have brought pigs instead. They can't fly either and I love pigs.

Anyway, with that all cleared up, here's a few thoughts about Vilnius and Lithuania: Lithuania was the first country in Europe to ban smoking in enclosed public spaces so going out to trendy Vilnius bars was accompanied only by the smells of armpit and ass.

Speaking of "ass", Lithuanian is officially the "ass" languange of the world. According to one city guide we picked up you've got an 18 in 27 chance of adding "as" to the end of English(ish) nouns to get a Lithuanian noun: Baras, Bankas, Restoranas etc.

One particular highlight was "mate". We were in a place that specialises in different kinds of teas. One entry on the menu had a big long discription in Lithuanian with an English translation of "mate". Nothing more, nothing less. Brilliant.

We're in St Petersburg now at the start of the Trans Siberian tour. Very pretty, loads of art, churches etc. I'm a bit churched out to be honest. Looking forward to getting involved with some Siberians. Bye!

Hostage situation!

2008-09-13T20:58:00.005+01:00

Simon writes (under duress):

This is an urgent message pleading for help! The penguins, apparently enraged at not having been included in our activities and consequently the blog, have taken us captive and are demanding a ransom! Please please please send 100kg of raw fish to the following address: random hostel in Lithuania. They've demanded that we post this photo of THEM (not us) out having a good time in Vilnius. Please hurry, we don't have much time...

Krakow

2008-09-11T10:34:00.004+01:00

Noelle writes:

Krakow is lovely and although it doesn't feel as lively as Wroclaw (this may be because we were in Wroclaw on the weekend and Krakow during the week) it does have a lot of interesting sites to see.

On Monday we took a trip to Auschwitz which was very shocking. It rained most of the day we were there which felt quite fitting, as a place that has experienced such horror I can't imagine it any other way. Auschwitz itself has a museum set up which gives some of the history behind World War II and has memorials for all of the nationalities affected during the Holocaust.

We then went on to Birkenau (Auschwitz II) which was absolutely massive. It was so saddening to see such an enormous camp and to think that over 75% of those who arrived at the camp only lived for a few hours.

In Krakow itself we went to the old Jewish town, Kazimierz, and visited the New Jewish Cemetery which has grave stones dedicated to entire families killed during the Holocaust.

On a lighter and happier note we also visited the Salt Mines outside of Krakow which are over 700 years old. Our tour lasted almost two hours and we saw just 1% of the mines, they are HUGE!! Absolutely everything was made out of salt, the walls, floors, ceilings, sculptures, it even had an underground cathedral.

We are now in Vilnius and it's cold and rainy, but a lovely city nonetheless. We are heading off on the overnight train to St Petersburg tomorrow to start our Trans-Mongolian journey, very exciting!!

Krakow food

2008-09-11T10:26:00.003+01:00

Noelle writes:

Simon has finally met his match in Krakow - food-wise that is. There have been a few meals that he just hasn't been able to get through. For those that have eaten with Simon before they will know that this is a first.

There was the 20PLN (less than $8 or 5 pounds) soup starter and then pork, potatoes and cabbage (see photo) and then the 50cm pizza we shared last night (sorry forgot to take a picture).

Tribute to Wroclaw

2008-09-09T10:17:00.005+01:00

Simon writes:

Wroclaw (Southwest Poland) is, dear friends, bloody marvellous! A very nice lass called Monika rescued us at the international bus station and helped us book an overnight bus from Warsaw to Vilnius (the people at the international bus ticket office didn't speak English).

The town itself has a beautifully restored square, a 360 degree painting of the Polish army trouncing the Russians in 17something (gotta love that!) and a river/waterway that can be paddled on/fished in all round the town.

In the evening we ate Polish dumplings, potato pancakes and sweet beetroot soup washed down with beer. Later we hit the town, eschewing Polish oompah music wherever we found it. The Poles don't do it as egregiously as the Austrians or the Germans (or even the Swiss for that matter!) by the way. However, oompah music is oompah music and you'll not find me paying hard currency, no matter what its value, to listen to it, let alone dance to it! Still the place we ended up in was devoid of the toe-curling British stag do crowd and full instead of Polish students at the beginning of their university year. Beer was less than 2 quid a pint. Nuff said.

2008-09-06T17:41:00.004+01:00

Simon writes:

As promised, here's a pic of the Penguins in Prague, which I formally declare the mullet capital of the world! This accolade is surely one of its most appealing attributes. On to Wroclaw then, which as Noelle said is just lovely lovely lovely! Here are the penguins enjoying the view:

Bus from Prague to Wroclaw

2008-09-06T17:25:00.003+01:00

Noelle writes:

See now I can't get enough of the blog.

As Simon mentioned in an earlier entry we were lucky enough to get two tickets for the 'apparently' over-booked bus from Prague to Wroclaw, Poland yesterday. As we boarded to bus destined for Minsk (that's nearly 24 hours on the bus) everything seemed to be normally enough. It wasn't exactly a luxurious bus, nor was it what we are used to in Canada and the UK, but it was nice enough (pic below after the trip). We got seats right up front with good leg room and were off just ten minutes behind schedule (not bad).

Little were we to know that the trip would end up being a six hour ride in a sauna. No air conditioning (which was fair enough) but no air circulation to speak of. It got to the point where we would come to a crawl going through small towns and they would open the door to the bus as we were moving just to get some fresh air in.

I have no idea how those who were heading to Minsk survived the trip but I imagine we'll experience similar or worse by the time we get to India.

PS I love Wroclaw and would recommend it to anybody and everybody! Thanks for the suggestion Jay!

Transportation in Prague

2008-09-06T17:17:00.002+01:00

Noelle writes:

I feel like I've been neglecting the blog a little so thought I'd write something about my near fatal tumble in Prague (huge exaggeration).

A word of caution to those attempting the metro in Prague. The escalators are FAST! Two to three times faster than those in London tube stations. Some even have a lovely little decline right before you step onto them of about 45 degrees so that you are propelled onto this super fast moving escalator that is the length of those at Holborn (LONG).

So my guess is that when they first put these escalators in everyone would approach to have a look but would be too scared to actually get on them. So the designers probably went back to the drawing board and decided to put a big invisible slope right before the escalators so that next time people went to have a look they were launched onto it.

Lucky for me Simon was in front to catch me on my first attempt. Funnily enough there are no signs (as in the London tube stations) that tell you how many injuries occur each year on the escalators. My guess is there are either way too many or it's just me. I'll let you be the judge.

Prague

2008-09-04T20:09:00.003+01:00

Simon writes:

We took a beautifully appointed night train from Vienna to Prague, but didn¨t sleep well. Prague is lovely enough. Hourdes of tourists. Beautiful squares etc. Much anticipated pic of the penguins taken in the main square to follow shortly. CBA just at present.

We did go to a very interesting exhibition about Kafka cos it was raining this morning. Very cerebral and a bit weird.

We had a "computer says no" moment yesterday when trying to book bus tickets over the mountains to Wroclaw, which I am quite excited about. Today it was no problem for some reason.

Vienna and surrounds

2008-09-02T19:36:00.007+01:00

Simon writes:

We´re coming to the end of our two days (three nights) in Vienna and it´s bloody marvellous! The picture above is of us with Susie and Mannie (hope I´ve spelt the names right!), who took us round town, entertained us for dinner in the museum district and Buchteln in Cafe Hawelka - v famous cafe run by the same couple for sixty years etc etc. Susie went to Durham so the tenuous connection was enough to get us an introduction. Lovely people they are too!

Just kinda been dossing around today not doing much. Nice place to do it mind. The penguins are having to get used to new food. This was made clear to them at the start so I don´t know what they´re complaining about. In the end we had to eat the strudel for them (see below).

Yesterday we went on a bike ride, got lost and ended up in the woods. We were hoping to get to the top of a big hill outside Vienna to see some amazing views:

We then whizzed down through the vinyards and wineries (most of which were closed):

We demanded wine off one poor vintner anyway and bought a bottle of Viennese white more out of guilt than anything.

Can´t recommend Vienna enough.

Simon out.

PS People in Vienna are lovely and we ate sausage.

Clothes horse

2008-09-02T19:32:00.002+01:00

Noelle writes:

Well with a title like that it`s obviously me writing this and not Simon.

So I finally caved today and went clothes shopping. I `needed` another top and came out with two and a pair of shorts.

I forgot how much fun it is to try on clothes! And buy them of course :)

PS I love Vienna!!

Brat and Brit

2008-08-31T21:06:00.005+01:00

Simon writes:

We spent Saturday night in Bratislava, Slovakia. Frikkin expensive it was too! It was full of cretinous Brits on stag dos and it had two massive branches of Tesco - will we never be free?!!! We did meet a couple of interesting Canadians - Jared and Silent Roy. Jared was all chirpy and Silent Roy only really got into his stride (mainly talking about female motorbike accessories) when his mate sloped off for chats with Bratislava's famous fitties.

We took in the nightlife (see pic).

Not too shabby actually. As for the penguins, they reacted badly to not being taken out on the razz and created havoc back at the hostel. Whole place reeked of fish when we got back. On Sunday they went to church to atone for their not insignificant sins (see pic)

Speaking of sins, we're now in Vienna and we've already seen at least 3 quite outrageous mullets as well as a number of other more minor offences.

We're renting bikes and heading out to the wineries today. Should be cool...

Budapest

2008-08-29T17:07:00.005+01:00

Simon writes:

We're soaking up Budapest (there's loads of places to soak in this city), the penguins are behaving themselves and all's well with the world! Been staying at the Buda home of dear Theo, Karoly's uncle (for which heartfelt thanks to you both). The money we saved was spent in part on Hungarian grey oxen steak, which in my humble opinion is unsurpassed. Heading to Bratislava by boat on the Danube and from there to Vienna (also by boat). Bit pricey but we're anticipating the ride to be just peachy. By the way, if anybody's familiar with Bratislavan nightlife we'd be grateful for some tips. A plan to go out on the razzmatazz has been forming...

2008-08-25T12:12:00.002+01:00

Simon writes:

As Noelle said, we´re now in Salzburg (see cliched tourist photo). The penguins are doing fine by the way. They´ve been deliberately excluded from this picture because their heads are getting way too big - the attention-seeking, beligerent little tarts!

Gruß Gott mein lieblings!

Zurich/Salzburg

2008-08-25T11:58:00.002+01:00

Noelle writes:

We are now in Salzburg. Arrived yesterday from Zurich where we spent the weekend with Juhani and Karolina. They introduced us to the `Shoreditch` area of Zurich, with cool bars and clubs, where we rocked up in our travelling gear. Thanks again for everything we had a great time!

Salzburg is quite a nice little town, though much smaller than I had anticipated. It`s so funny as well because there are loads of people just walking around in traditional Austrian frocks (we particularly like the leather shorts and knee high wooly socks). I will attempted to take some photos but have been too chicken thus far.

I`m also trying to convince Simon that we should rent some outfits and prance around town.

Fish pic

2008-08-22T09:44:00.003+01:00

For those of you clammering for confirmation of our successful Loire fishing trip, the suspense is finally over!

Mountains of Switzerland

2008-08-20T10:20:00.003+01:00

Noelle writes:

As Simon put it when we reached the top of the mountain: "Thank f***! I`m alive!!!"

Today we are recovering after a 6.5 hour hike/climb up a Swiss mountain. In fact one we have skiied in the past.

Before we arrived in Switzerland I said there were two things I wanted to do while we were there: hike a mountain and have lunch and a beer at the restaurant on top and swim in a lake.

Jeanne (Simon`s cousin) has the week off of work and said she`d take us up a mountain. It turns out her new boyfriend Gilles has been climbing mountains since he was young and would be our guide. Now my visions of hiking the Swiss mountain did not include needing a guide (I was expecting it to be a relaxed affair). Anyhow we went along with plan and picked up a helmet and harness on the way to the mountain (this should have been my clue to what lay ahead).

We had a little over two hours of hiking straight up the mountain side which killed my calves and pretty much all of the muscles in my legs. Had a lovely lunch and then began our 3.5 hour via ferrata across and up the rock face of the mountain. Let`s just say I felt like I was Tom Cruise in that first scene of Mission Impossible, hanging from the rock with only an inch worth of steel cable between me and my death 100 feet below.

I was terrfied to begin with but gradually began to enjoy it and actually stopped thinking about the fact that there was nothing but air behind or below me.

The views were magnificent and by the time we got to the top of the mountain we felt great both because of what we had just achieved but also because we finally had something solid under our feet. We had just enough time to take some photos before the cloud and fog came in and enveloped us.

Thank you to Jeanne and Gilles for introducing us to a new and exciting sport. We highy recommend it to everyone but make sure you use the facilities before you set out!

More photos to follow shortly...

Barge photo

2008-08-16T13:29:00.003+01:00

Simon writes:

We're on the barge in the South of France and the penguins are clearly loving it! The journey down was uneventful except for a mad dash to make the connection in Paris (it seems London's underground is not the only rubbish transport system in the world) and me having to wait ages for a slash on our final train while a teenager finished his doobie in the toilet. Tut tut.

Going fishing for trout in the Loire this evening. My excitement knows no bounds...

Allow us to introduce...

2008-08-13T15:20:00.006+01:00

Bags (almost) packed, penguin mascots (pictured) bought at great expense. Tomorrow is the big off! Rest assured, there'll be more exciting pictures of our two companions as we progress...

willie style

2008-08-05T20:34:00.002+01:00

In preparation for the possibility of a lack of sanitary toilet seats on our travels, Noelle has just test-run a prosthetic penis (ladies, if you're interested they're no doubt available at all reputable prosthetic penis shops). It's basically a funnel. The process looks a bit weird from behind...

Penguins planning

2008-07-23T21:44:00.000+01:00

Male penguin doesn't understand how to use blog. Female penguin is well clued up!

Welcome to the blog of the two macaroni penguins, Simon and Noelle. Why macaroni penguins? Cos they can't fly and neither will we on our epic trip through Europe, Russia, China, Southeast Asia and India. And they have a cool name!

The planning stage is coming together like good macaroni. We've got two visas safely attached in the passports and two more to go. We have yet to conquer China...

Two more days of work - woohoo!