Instructions for a successful Russian banya

Simon writes:

Here follows a description of the banya we got involved with on the shores of Lake Baikal, Siberia. Instructions for a successful banya come in the form of Nicolai (the owner), an electric little Siberian and total legend who is able to make himself understood in any language by gesticulating wildly and joyfully. Please note, if you ever have a Russian banya you may be required to beat a naked man with branches or demand that a naked man beats you with branches. Roll with it.

So pardon my verbosity, but here goes:

Enter into a low-ceilinged room and change on the left. Put on one of the felt hats on the table at the end of the room and go through the washroom into the steam room. Sit on the highest bench (at Nicolai's insistence) and begin roasting for 5/10 minutes/as long as you can bear it (the temperature is 100 degrees celcius).

Leave the steam room gasping for breath and pouring with sweat. Rest in the rest room for a couple of minutes and prepare yourself for a beating. Put your hat back on and re-enter the steam room where Nicolai, clad in microscopic bathing drawers (or occasionally au naturel), is waiting for you. Bake for a little while longer and then lie on your front on the top shelf. Nicolai then takes the branches (birch or juniper), puts them in the stove from the bucket of water in which they've been soaking and proceeds to whack you with them up and down the back, arse and back of the legs. The sensation is painful but pleasurable. Two sides of the same coin really. Dostoevsky would have loved it and no doubt derived inspiration from it. When you've been thoroughly thrashed you are then given the branches for a bit of self abuse on your front.

Next, leave the banya at at trot, not forgetting to discard your hat on the way. Run outside and jump into the freezing plunge pool. Begin tingling with pleasure all over. Get out and hang around outside for a few minutes to recover. Repeat the whole process as required.

Finally, brace yourself against the wall in the wash room to be exfoliated with what you have been assured is a scrubbing sponge. This is a vicious lie. In fact it's some form of wire pot scourer. Nicolai fills it with soap and water and proceeds to rub you down. Hard. Calling this part pleasurable would be pushing it, but persevere, it all comes good in the end (again, you're given the scourer to do your front).

Next, rinse off thoroughly with cold water. Head into the house for a cold beer and a dinner of freshly-smoked Baikal omul and feel genuinely reborn. Sleep like a baby.